The title describes exactly my latest predicament. The horn on my 2009 Subaru Forester is stuck. Every time I turn a corner or hit a bump, the horn sporadically goes off. I have scared the crap out of a couple of old people and gotten unnecessary hand gestures thanks to this mechanical anomaly. As I am learning the hard way there are many situations that you don’t want your horn to have a mind of its own. This is true for anytime I am at Walmart, the ghetto, traffic, or anywhere else excessive horn blowing can result in gunshots or possible death. Another example, when I had my two and a half year old niece in the car. She had finally shut her eyes for a much needed cat nap. My plan was to carry her in the house and let her rest for a bit. I turned into my neighborhood..holding my breath. HONK HONK!!! She shot up startled and I started going thought the usual punch the horn routine until it started to die down.
Then of course there was the most embarrassing church incident. I decided to take the kids enjoy the most beautiful and holiest of experiences. The St.Teresa monastery in Mill Creek park has often been one of our family’s past times. We enjoy the nice outdoor and quick mass given by Fr. Madden with the backdrop of the park. The kids can be a little less proper then in usual indoor church and I can relax a bit.
I had my two girls and my niece in the car. Running a bit late I hurried through the speed trap of my small town (honk!). Waited at the red light with my dad on the phone making sure I had the exact street names for the mass (honk!). I entered the free way (honk!). Trying to hurry but maintain my responsible parent driving, I got off on my exit (honk!) made a right up the hill (honk!), down the bumpy ghetto street (honk, honk!) and into the park. As I turned toward the old house that is the church, I could see the patrons sitting outside and the opening music of the mass had stared. I see my dad waving me over to where he was going to sit. So I pulled forward toward him, over the gravel road (honnnnnkkkkkk!!!!). I started to try to hit the horn again to get it to stop. People had turned my way. What felt like an hour of honking was actually only a minute and I desperately wanted to leave my honking machine behind. But of course I was on the “no parking” area. Let me just take this time that it really fries me when I see people parked in a fire lane at church. If I see your car in the fire lane you must be either (a) handicapped or (b) pregnant or (c) have a baby carrier, baby bag, and possibly a toddler in tow. I do not accept that as the spot you park in when you are running late and don’t want to park in the second parking lot of late comers. I have a permanent spot in the late comer’s parking lot due to my inability to be on time anywhere. Also- while I am on that subject…when you come out of mass filled with the Holy Spirit, ready to do good for the week, wouldn’t the first thing be to let a stranger in the turning lane instead of “pretending” you don’t see someone hopeful to inch out? just sayin.
Anyway, so here I am…contemplating on the most unholy of parking spots…the not so parking spot spot. If ever this was the time..I had thee kids (but no baby carrier). I was late (my fault) and my horn was broke (Satan’s fault). I let my principals and the look on my dad’s face get the best of me and I pulled around to where there was a man directing a mini van into a parking spot. The mini van had backed into the spot. All instincts told me to do the same…except the number on the clock. 4:22 (my clock is fifteen minutes fast to try to help me to be on time. never works. actual time: 4:07). So I pulled into the spot as normal and was about to get out when the little parking man appeared next to my window. “ma’am, you will be able to get out much better after mass if you back in”. Crap. busted. I looked at the van next to me. They were still getting out..there was also the little parking man, another man and my dad all looking at me. no pressure. I am terrible at backing in..especially with a small audience. So I pull forward. reverse. pull back. take up two spots and straighten out. And you guessed it…HONK!!! I waved to both the people in the mini van and the little parking guy. They probably figured I thought I was Miss America or something because they did not even crack a half of a smile. Then I unloaded my kids like the little old woman who lived in a shoe. We walked toward my dad..trying to forget the horn incident. “I am coming Papa” my niece yelled in her usually cute but church has started two and a half year old voice. We arrived just in time to catch the end of the homily (for you non catholics…that means mass was at least a quarter through). After mass, we got back into the car, waited for traffic to clear out (as of course no on would let us cut in line), headed out of the park (honk) through the ghetto (honk, honk) over the freeway (honk) and right home (honk).
As my sister was laboring through the birth of her second child. I was at the Subaru dealer hoping for a quick fix to my honking problem. I almost cancelled it and went straight to the hospital…hoping she would have the baby conveniently on my lunch break…but there was time. I could probably take the car in, grab lunch and my camera, come back to work for an hour or so then go to the hospital around 3. I pull in the dealer (honk) give the guy my keys, sit down and get ready to read a magazine when I get a text from my mom. “She is 10 cm and the doctor is on the way”. HONNNNNNKKKKKK! (the ear piercing sound of them testing my horn which went on for a good three minutes). “some one’s kid is probably playing in a car” said the old man next to me. No one else seemed to notice. There was no way I could get the keys back and make it in time to the hospital. So I settled for the see you later text…waited the 45 minutes to hear that the part would have to be ordered and I would have to be hornless for two days. So I got in my car (silence) pulled out of the dealer and on to the busy street. (silence). I accelerated toward my street when an old guy in a red car pulled out right in front of me (silence).