Sleep vs Snoring
“I love Peter Pan…it is one of my favorite stories.” Said Josh when he justified taping that show Neverland that has been on Syfy lately. I gave him the normal look I give him when I linger between making fun of him and just telling him that he is lame. Single ladies, I hate to be the one to tell you, that is the most excitement you get after ten years together. You learn to make fun of each other. I can say honestly that my marriage has been so successful because my husband supplies me with endless amounts of material.
“What?” Josh said trying to read my look
“Really? I am shocked.” I started. Josh looked at me puzzled for a minute…then began a smile.
“You love the story of a boy who refused to grow up….” I said. And to quote Dr. Sheldon Cooper..Bazinga.
It isn’t that my man child refuses to grow up…he just sort of stopped around year three of marriage. I am pretty sure 2004 was the most mature he is going to get and after that he has lingered somewhere between adulthood and the life of a teenage boy. Am I the only wife whose husband owns the following toys: Playstation 3, Wii and a Drum Set? I often say when I grow up, I want to be Josh Taylor….that guy has it made.
Tonight when I took the girls to see Disney on Ice..the skaters reenacted the story of Peter Pan. When they began to fly, Liv looked at me and said “I see their strings.” Nothing gets by Liv. I was thinking about the idea of having eternal youth..at least in spirit. Who doesn’t want to be youthful and fun. When was the last time you did something that your inner child wanted to do? In order to fly, you would have to think a happy thought. I close my eyes. “New shoes.” I ponder. nope..not flying. “Reduced interest rate on my mortgage.” Nope..nothing youthful about that. “Big raise at work.” My big toe begins to lift. “Trip to Disney land.” And my arms are beginning to rise. “Trip to Disney land with buy one night get five free and included breakfast.” The hair on my head moves like a gentle breeze has passed through it. “No lines at the mall..everything on sale and no traffic so I can finally get my Christmas shopping done.” and I am flying. As a kid, I would have probably thought things like “We get a swimming pool.” Not that that wouldn’t make me happy as a grown up..but my mind immediately goes to cost and maintenance. One of the Peter Pan kids says “Christmas”. That is a child only fantasy. Christmas probably makes me fall out of the sky in mid fly. Lets face it, the things that you fancied as a child don’t come close to making you happy now. Unlimited candy? cavities. Unlimited cookies? large ass. Staying up late? tired in the morning. Snow Angels? Frostbite. Climbing on a jungle gym? HSA. (health savings account..).
When I think of my man child, I am both annoyed and jealous. Maybe one day I can play video games and bang on the drums (i don’t wanna work…). One of my favorite things about my husband is his boyish charm…and the fact that we tease each other like teenagers. What did you expect from a relationship that started by wet willies? There are days when I have to draw my inspiration from him and stop taking life so seriously. I get these moments where life comes at me like a pang of anxiety. I will look at Josh and just say my heart is going to explode from the anxiety. He just asks if I need a hug. Like a Xanax for my soul, that hug seems to do the trick. For any other girls out there married to Peter Pan: whether he is the guy who still plays video games, still fantasizes that he will one day be in a rock band, throws temper tantrums when his football team looses (oh wait, that is my Dad), buys expensive toys, any or all of the above…just be happy you have this stroke of teenage bliss to keep you from going into anxious shock. (even if they cause it). The man child may not always be the most motivated of husbands, but he will be the most loyal and entertaining. Days like today when I put on a great skirt and sexy red cardi, he will look at me like a teenage boy who has caught his first view of a boob. That makes it easy for me to convince him to take my pictures all the time. Tonight, Peter Pan took pictures of me in my skirt outfit in front of our Christmas lights. The same lights he proudly put up him self. The same lights that caused the missing wallet incident. “Have you seen my wallet?” he asked. The missing wallet is a usual occurrence. “Where was the last place you had it?” I asked…giving him my best motherly glance. There is not a member of this family that can handle my “you are dumb” look. I have perfected this look over the years and look forward to the time when I can regularly use this on my teenage girls. “Um..let me think”. He started. “Oh..the roof! I thought I saw something sitting on the roof when I was backing out of the driveway today…” We both started laughing. My Peter Pan is going to have to think a happy thought and fly up on the roof to get his missing wallet.
The Dog Days
I will be the first to admit it…when you have children your pets take a back seat. My dog, who once took up the whole bed nestled between Josh and I is now lucky to find a good place on the couch. Dog beds? forget about it. The cat seems to think that is her bathroom and scratching post. So Monday when I came home from work I had a real eye opener. What had started out as a steamy July day gave way to a early evening thunder shower. We got home around six thirty…I couldn’t resist the lure of a home cooked meal from my Mom. The three of use went went about our separate ways. Layla to the bathroom (she can only go in our toilet) and Olivia to play with her new toys. I was sifting through unpaid bills and coupons when I realized the house was unusually quiet.
“Liv-can you go let Nomi out” I said, referring to our almost thirteen year old pit/chow mix. Nomi was Josh’s first lady love and remains loyal to all of us in her old age. Liv ran (never walks) to the back room where the pet food is stored. “No Nomi” she calls. “Try the garage” I respond. “not in the garage” she yells. I stopped staring blankly at my closet..something was wrong. I look at the patio door…it was open. “Did you guys leave the patio door open?” I asked. ” I shut it” Layla responded..almost too quickly. I recall the door was open when we got home..so I ran outside…hoping I could find Nomi before the Poland Nazi (I mean police) found her and fine me for her once again lost tag. The three of us are calling to her…and i swear even the cat is meowing.
In the back garden near the tomatoes..something catches my eye. I blink..and look closer (not wearing my glasses always seems to mess with me). Is that a pile of dirt on the back corner of the garden? I knew Josh had said something about a raised garden…. (I heard blah blah blah garden). “Nomi?” I called. no movement. This time I was close…almost close enough to touch her…but she wasn’t moving. My heart dropped…I feared the worst. The storm and humidity had been too much for her old body to bear. “I didn’t leave the door open” was all Layla could say. “Nomi” I called again, a little louder. I was still unsure if I should touch her but I reached out my hand. Slowly she got up..and I gasped. The side of her face was all swollen. She had bumps on her back. I got her into the house and with the help of some deli ham I coaxed her into the living room to examine her. I sent Josh a text as he hadn’t responded to any calls..probably in the middle of a dinner rush. “she has been getting bad lately, we are going to have to discuss some things :(” was his response.
|Nomi’s new spot|
If this story had a sad ending..I am not sure I would be able to post it. Three days, a couple allergy pills and some fish oil later, she is a new dog. Today she got a clean bill of health and a fresh round of shots from the vet. The swelling was a bug bite or bee sting of some sort and the shaking and slow moving was most likely due to the trauma of the storm.
While I am grateful that she is ok and that nothing serious is wrong her her..I really have rethought her place in this house. Hopefully with enough bacon strips, fish oil, and a nice place on the couch..she will forgive us and we can give her a couple good years.
“Do u know it’s a scientific fact that women are better at grocery shopping then men? It’s science” Josh Taylor