Love and Marriage

Cassidy.Marie.Rose
February 13, 2017

Continuing the theme for the month of love, I reflected on something I normally don’t write about (at least publish), my husband and my marriage. 

I look at the clock again, it’s a quarter past stuck in time with two toddlers. There is a melodic echo of a knife smacking down on the cutting board; I am preparing dinner. The drawer next to me squeaks and I close it again, careful not to pinch the small fingers that keep desperately prying it open to pull out one more measuring cup. It topples out, plastic, disposable, already knowing the fate of soon becoming buried in mystery corners of the house. 1/3 cup. Who needs that one? I fill it with sweet cereal hoping that will allow me to finish chopping carrots. The clock reminds me of how much longer until he comes home and I crave him walking in the front door with fresh relief and companionship.

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Confidence

Cassidy.Marie.Rose
January 14, 2017

Confidence. That word is kicked around a lot. The only confidence I can count on is the ability to settle a constant dispute between toddlers. Barely. Confidence. What does it mean? I own this room. I landed that job. I made that sale. Is it being completely comfortable in your own skin? I think about it a lot. I scribble, “work on confidence” on the top of my carefully selected 2017 planner. My guide to a beautiful life, it promises. The flower pattern on the cover is too irresistible to pass up. I want to work on my confidence. I have been meaning to do that for a while now since it has been a long struggle for me. Somewhere, I will always be that twelve-year-old girl who was the butt of unattractive jokes. When I am feeling especially down on myself, I can hear whispers of past classmates, loser. Adolescence came at me pretty fast; I wasn’t prepared to be a woman. I was happy just being a kid. I was perfectly content to hang out at my friend’s pool wearing a neon pink bathing suit that my mom picked out, not thinking twice about how it makes my boobs look or whether or not I should have shaved. Last year brought a lot of that feeling back. The fourth baby was a total shocker. I wasn’t prepared to be a full-time working mother of four. And like my sad attempt to hide my blossoming sixth grade chest in a sports bra under my uniform white tennis shirt, I wasn’t fooling anyone. And dwindling amount of confidence I had going into 2016 completely faded by the end of the year.

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True Love

Cassidy.Marie.Rose
February 15, 2013
Love is a sweet tender kiss on a rainy afternoon keeping warm with a crackling fire and inevitable intimacy. Love is popping the zit on your life mate’s back because he just cant quite get the leverage to do it himself. Love is dancing together in total sync as if the melody is carrying your bodies as one and nothing or no one else exists anywhere around you. Love is getting gas in your wife’s car even when you know she may be exaggerating when she says the gas light “just came on”. Love is fighting for your relationship trying everyday to be a bit understanding and patient. Love is not an adolescent notion, or something just old people do. Love is well….I don’t even know. If you really want the answer, ask a romantic. I am about as romantic as a fat guy with a beer gut scratching his balls watching football on his anniversary. Romance is such a mystery to me. Why are we so turned on by candy and flowers? I imagine waiting too long for an overpriced dinner and a glass of pretentious wine wearing sparkly new diamond earrings while finally jumping on the table to yell “he went to JARED”. Ok. Maybe I am a cynic. To me love is finding an amazing pair of shoes on clearance. And not everyday boat shoes, or flat boots…no…love is finding this dazzling red heels that make your legs look like a fashion model and your outfit look like you stepped right off the set of Sex in the City. Now that is love. Anniversaries and Valentines Day are for celebrating the one person you have chosen to spend every day with, for all eternity. I can’t imagine wearing the same pair of shoes for the rest of my life. Shoe are not monogamous relationships. They don’t care if you cheat. Shoes don’t come up to you the next morning and ask where you were sticking your feet last night while they sat there waiting by the back door. Shoes really don’t expect much for you as far as commitment. One can have hundreds of pairs of shoes and love each one as if it was your first. Maybe that is what Madonna meant when she sang “like a Virgin.” It is just an ode to shoes; every pair makes you feel so shiny and new. It isn’t far fetched, after all, we are living in a material world. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely adore my husband. He has given me two amazing children and ten blissful years of marriage. We still hold hands and we still say, “I love you” every time get off the phone with each other. It is just reassuring after spending over ten years with the same person that I can freely change my shoes whenever I want. To celebrate, I bought my self four pairs of shoes. Happy Hearts Day to all…may you find eternal love with the shoes to match.

Happy ❤❤ to me

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I dedicate this post to my Mom. She set an example of the gives and takes of a great marriage. She also bought me a pair of boots for Christmas that were too small. After almost two months of sitting in my car, they were finally exchanged. Unfortunately they didn’t have my size in the boots, but they were having a sale. So i replaced them with four pairs of great pumps in the best neutrals, black, red and leopard print.

The Routine

Cassidy.Marie.Rose
September 5, 2012
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“I’m so hungry. Can I have a snack?” Olivia asks
“Dinner is almost ready…like five minutes.” Josh says
“But I am really hungry.”
“FIVE minutes!!”
“Ok.”

We sit down for dinner. There is chatter between the kids of who did what at school, who played with them and some gossip over who got in trouble. As this is a new school, I smile and nod, as I have no clue what they are talking about.


“I’m full.” Olivia says


“Five more bites.” I reply without even looking at the plate. I know there is probably somewhere between “the starving kids in Africa” lecture and the “no snacks later” but as I am between diets right now, it was more like the “finishing Olivia’s meal doesn’t really count as seconds” mindset.


“I took five bites, can I be done now?” She asks.



Since the girls have started school, life has started to feel a bit normal…like the natural balance of day and night has returned and now I don’t feel like I am the only one who actually has to wake up at a specific time everyday. Just like my work life, their daily life involves actual people and not Warrior Cats and American Girls. Schedules and routines feel more normal than the long and hot summer days where I am the only one who knows the difference between a Tuesday and a Saturday. Summer is the routine killer. I spend the entire school year trying to the girls on a perfect balance of schoolwork, homework, activities, friends and playtime. It is a fine craft that took a few years to perfect. (Don’t be overwhelmed parents of kindergarteners…I promise it gets easier..or you start caring a little less about what other parents, your parents, teachers, the kids, your husband or even the dog think of you. It is about mid-first to second grade you will realize the impact of school on your child’s life. Before kindergarten, the kids go with you and their lives are pretty much based on what you are doing. After kindergarten, you go with the kids and your life is pretty much based on what they are doing.) Since the theme of our summer was “we moved and our lives are now completely different”, I am now bracing what feels like a familiar routine and that involves them being in school.


After seven days off work, I actually didn’t mind going back to work. For the first time since I have been at my new job, I started to think about what I was going to wear tomorrow. This is a far cry from my new motto of “whatever is clean”. I was starting to wonder if the old “me” was dying a little each day. With a job where I have to do actual work everyday (aka grownup world) and city where I am anonymous as Jane Doe, I was starting to feel a little bit too ordinary. As I lay there in bed dreaming Kelly green mixed with leopard print, my old self decided to make a comeback. Like Doctor Who emerging from a pocket watch, the former me is taking over. (Confession time: I have spent the last three weeks in a total Doctor Who trance…why didn’t someone warn me that show was so addicting? I have skipped the following activities to watch the Doctor: sleeping, shopping, eating, exercising, going out, calling people back, reading emails, blogging, cleaning, etc. etc….)


Now that fall is close and I can picture myself in my heeled boots and pretty much anything from J. Crew, I am starting to feel a sense of individuality again in what I am wearing. To honor that, today I wore a scarf. Welcome back fall wardrobe…(swimsuit, my nemesis, we will meet again next year), hello new Kelly green slacks.


“How long has it been since we had dinner?” Olivia asks

“Ten minutes” I say
“Can I have a snack?” Olivia asks

Welcome back normal family life.


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Shirt: Target
Scarf: The Limited
Pants: Gap
Shoes: Charlotte Russe

The New Kid

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Was anyone the new kid at school? Remember that feeling to enter a building or sit in a classroom and not have a familiar face near by? I remember starting a new high school. Even in a place where there were some faces I knew, the process and the settings were overly unfamiliar. I was lost. I didn’t know where to sit or stand or eat my lunch. All around me were groups of friends and I was an island. In the face of the unknown, I never seem to elude confidence. I stand with my hip awkwardly pointing to one side twirling my hair around my fingers trying to answer the million-dollar question…now what? My days finally turned into weeks then months. By Christmas break, I was still wary of the unknown but slowly gaining ground and making friends. I sometimes look back at my self and poke fun at the things I did to ease the transformation, the people I tried to like, the things I tried to get into and the feelings I thought I needed in order to fit in. Slowly I would latch on to a person and try to find that ease one gets when they find a friend. I always thing of life a team sport and not a solo event, so when I am in unfamiliar situations, I try to form a team. Being the new kid again is not easy. I feel more and more like an island everyday. As I hum the theme to Cheers in the back of my mind, I try to navigate myself through the unknown. For me, the unknown is everything. Starting a new job is hard, but you still have that air of familiarity..the people who know you. Maybe it is family or the cashier at the grocery store, but to someone I am not an unknown. I am a sister or Layla and Olivia’s mom or that lady that buys a six-pack of Magic Hat number 9 every Friday night. I am that neighbor that is out walking every day or the friend that always makes someone laugh. Here, I am still trying to find out how to be these things again. Moving my life somewhere else, starting a new job, not knowing where I will live and not having my kids and husband to come home to every night is not easy. There are the days when I don’t mind; I like the challenge and the anonymity. Then there are days that are lonely…the days where I wish I wasn’t that new kid or that unknown. I am trying to collect the pieces of who I was a few short months ago and assemble them back together in this new setting. It is not always easy, and it will take time. It does feel nice to be tapping away at my laptop again. Even if I don’t have the immediate satisfaction of a prompt post, I feel comforted to know that my blog was waiting here for me. The one thing I have in my new life is the willingness to stand out. Whether it is a cute dress or a great necklace, I am falling back on my ability to say who I am by how I dress. I haven’t been shy about color lately. My new claim to fame is a great pink blazer. I saw it on a girl at my last job and had to have it. (and paid only $20 for it!). I have had limited access to pictures as my photographer husband is still at home with the kids. There will be lots of weekend outfit pics from now until June 8….when I will be making a full time return to mom-ing, wife-ing and blogging.
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Dress/Belt: Francessca’s
Necklace/Tighs: Target
Shoes: MIA (DSW)
Jacket: New York & Co